31 March, 2011

In the history books

La lutte contr les religions autochtones dans le Pérou coloniale. 'L'extirpation de l'idolatrie' entre 1532 et 1660.

Pierre Diviols

Babie has evolved into something macabre

This is a representation of Marie Antoinette [enjoying her life - after her death]
at least that's my interpretation of this photograph.  This photo artist has won my heart -
the depth that he gave a simple Barbie doll is brilliant. Let them eat cake.

                                                                                             -Mariel Clayton

Haha - "this is my life"

Last day or March blues

Boston -

In the light of the sun
Is there anyone? Oh, it has begun
Oh dear, you look so lost
Your eyes are red, the tears are shed
This world you must have crossed, you said

You don't know me
And you don't even care, oh yeah
And you said, you don't know me
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah

Essential yet appealed
You carry all your thoughts across an open field
Where flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones who cry when they see you

She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name

I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover

And fly 'em out to Spain

Oh yeah and I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I was tired
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind

I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of Sunset
I hear it's nice in the summer

Some snow would be nice, oh yeah


Secrets of cooing babes

You get to see my face today without sunglasses.
Tomorrow, you won't remember even talking to me,
just my laughter and my favorite pair of shades.

29 March, 2011

Adore --

I love that this video its so weird.  Haha -- I die.

"It’s why you keep your little lovers in your lap"

Man, you got a lot of jokes to tell
So you throw your baby’s banners down the well
Give a little more than you like
Pick apart the past, you’re not going back
Don’t you waste your time
No, oh, oh, oh



Sure, you’ve got a handle on the past

It’s why you keep your little lovers in your lap
Give a little more than you like
Pick apart the past, you’re not going back
So don’t you waste your time
No, oh, oh, oh

Hoping for the last ship to arrive

I’ve been blessed with a kingdom, half-mine
-Beach House

On my face there's a map of the World

I want to know who would be willing to travel the entire world with me -
but (I guess) like me, worry free.

I just changed Coriolis into a heart shapped majem:

I have this oceanography test in about two hours.
I can pretty much say, and not be ashamed of, I know nothing for this test.
My 9:45 class was canceled today, but good thing on my way out I found Ceasar and
we spent about an hour or so chit chatting about life, death (Emily Dickinson) music, and chill Brits.
We later got trapped in the building, and couldn't find an exit for a few minutes (we were taking pictures and running from security when we went through a wrong door).
There's no way that I'm going to understand what's going on with oceanography -- after being inspired so much and having laughed as hard from our conversation.  I love people like that -- just super creative and full of energy.  I feel like we've been friends for ever haha.
But yea, going back to Coriolis.  In layman's terms, Coriolis is the way in which the winds move on Earth, meaning on the Westerlies, Northwesterlies, etc - basically the change of winds is explained in a six-cell circulation model.  The two main wind movements sit right in the middle, instead of learning (memorizing) how these winds move and why, I decided that I would remember them as "just thing about it like this, in the middle of the Earth, there's a giant heart that ends to the left with the circular top in the middle".  What the fuck kind of shit is that?  How is it that a grown person, about to graduate, and embark in a trip of a life time (within the next few months) thinks about a science with heart shaped graphs and simplified emotions painted in the walls of my mind.

Am I right to be mad at myself for not being more serious, I guess with my life?
It's always, Carpe Diem, and I do what I want, and for fuck sake just life your life-
but have I gone overboard??

I'm just really confused I think, and after I finish creating what I said I would -
I'll overcome this frustration.  I'm sure.

I was thinking about facebook.  I don't know what to do about it now.  I don't want to go on it -
sign up like another loser, part of the system -- but I want to put all my things in one place where I can see my friends all the time.  I want to take my artsy photos, I want to write about music, and I want to expose on philosophy as much as I can - and at the same time I want an audience.  I want, even if it's one person - one of my friends to see my art (what I put up of course, not like my private material) BUT I REFUSE TO BE PART OF THE SAME OLD MAINSTREAM SYSTEM.  I don't know what to do.  I'm gonna end up going crazy.

I want to get so many things - and I really need a job.
But how can I get a job when I barely have time to sleep?
Maybe I should just reorganize myself better.  I need to replan my life, and keep a strict schedule.
Kind of like how Mr. Ratburn explained in an Arthur episode.
You see? there I go again - over simplifying everything, acting like I'm 9 or something.
I need to get my shit together, and get it together fast.

Tonight, I'm working on my magazine - no ifs, ands, or buts.

27 March, 2011

Somehow, I feel somewhat empty:

I had a very cathartic conversation with someone very special to me today.
Everyone's so changed, everyone that used to complete our world at least.
I wonder if, this just means that I grew up.  Again, I have to say this once again, I'm completely terrified.
Not of moving on, not of trying something new, not of learning new things, and meeting new people,  I'm not even scared of leaving home, I'm just scared, dead scared of growing up.
You would think at 23, I would have been my own person, and have everything cool and collected.
Well, besides your probable first impression of me, nothing in my life really is cool and collected.

Everything is changing, we're slowly moving on, and I finally think it's starting to be ok to let go.
As weird and strange as it sounds, to anyone reading this right now -- I'm ready to move on.

I made new friends this semester.  Most of them, artists of course, and though their first attempt to contact me was to friend me on facebook - when I told them I didn't have one, they were relatively ok with it.
One person even told me "Oh yeah, I forgot you're mature" -- that took me completely by surprise, no one had ever told me that before.  I wanted to get one, a few weeks ago (like a new one) just because, it's true, I mean - it is a super convenient and easy way to keep in contact with your friends, and what they're doing - but at the same time - facebook is just so irrelevant and trivial.  I just want to be with my friends, not send them a stupid message.  It's completely empty.

My grades have been slipping.  Its very unlike me - but they are - at least for Astrophysics and German.
I have to try harder, and I just have to finish it, complete it - and I'll be alright, but I have absolutely no passion for Astro, and German makes me uncomfortable because even though I practice and I prepare myself as much as I can, I feel I'm never ready enough.

I want to create.  I'm not sure what yet - but I feel like I'm in one of those kicks that I just want to make something.  And not just that kind of anything something, I want to make that remarkable something that can impress people and earn me a bunch of oohhs and aaahhs.
As soon as I decide what, I'll probably talk about it, or even post it here (it'll probably require a post because I'll feel so proud of it).  And it'll be all over this blog.  I have to clean my room first, I feel like I'm trapped - and I really won't be able to make beauty with all that chaos all around me.

I'll see some live music with Andrew this week - it's gonna be incredibly chill -
I couldn't be more excited (specially because I don't get to see him everyday).  I can't forget to continue improving my portfolio, look over my Oceanography notes for a midterm, talk to the people from the program overseas, meet with Daniel and plan my future some more.  This week = <3

26 March, 2011

You know I hold on

My headphones

Best headphones I've ever owned - and I guess, the most expensive.
They were worth it though - and now, a month after getting them --
I couldn't like them more <3 The sound quality is amazing, and very nice, crisp and loud -
and SUPER comfortable --



This is cool.
And I think one of my friends got photographed for Nerve too!!

25 March, 2011

I found treasure!

Mile Long Legs

I love that I found this, it's just - I don't know ... cool :]

23 March, 2011

Strange Children

I remember being like 9 years old, jamming to this song, as if I understood what they were talking about.  Good times being a kid -- haha ... and then changing the channel to watch Arthur on PBS!!


As out of my character as it might sound ... I'm in love with this video.
It's so simple, yet cute, well done, and entertaining! :]  

I'd like to make a video like this one day.  One day soon :]

The first version of this video is also well done, BUT THIS ONE WON MY HEART! For sure.

Spending $$$

I feel like I owe everyone money.
I spent the money I saved up for show tickets, on make up.
Truthfully, I couldn't be happier with my purchase ... I love love looove what I've bought.
Pretty looking, nice smelling, expensive feeling make up really does make a difference - like I know my entire life I've thought girls that liked spending money on make up, as frivolous and shallow -- but I think I just needed to grow up to understand the basic necessity of these products.  It could totally be the blush talking, but as a consumer, these products have really improved my morning lifestyle routine.

I wonder if I'll be able to find a store like this when I go over seas.
I mean, it doesn't necessarily have to be the same one, but definitely something with products as great as these.
-- No offense to anyone ... but those girls my age, that still only shop at drug stores for make up really don't know what they're missing.

Speaking of make up.  The program that I'm starting later this year, after I graduate, requires my photo before moving on to the final exam and blood tests.  I find it really funny, because I don't see any other reason for this except they want all the people in their program to be good looking.  Some how, I get sick kicks off of this.

21 March, 2011

Apparently you'll be able to get these ...

If they're gonna go for sale, you better be sure I'll do my best to get one ..
haha -- I'm such a dork!! ... whatever, I bet you I'll look hella cool :p

My art history homework;

I had about 4 days to do it, and I totally didn't.
It consisted of about 100 pages of reading, that I pretty much didn't realize I had
until right now.  I think I'm gonna wake up a little extra early tomorrow to squeeze in a little reading
before I shower, and then later on the train - so I'm not completely lost in class tomorrow.

The things that happen to me, the things.
I have to get a bunch of things done!
At least I won't have to carry a gigantic textbook with me tomorrow, so I'll be
able to bring my agenda with me!
Omgsh, and then I have 3 giant tests this week,  it's perfect that I'm gonna see Lauren in the little free time I have.  I just have to make sure I get my phone bill payed before tomorrow afternoon ... I hate when the phone website's down, I can't get things done on time :[

We'll see how things go tomorrow, we'll see.

I can't can't can't forget to print out my paper (yet again) for my class ... I forgot to hand it in you see, and then when I went to give it to the professor during her office hours the next time, I saw that her office hours were only on Tuesday - and not on also on Friday like I thought.  THEN ... she saw me in the hall way and said hello -- and I IGNORED HER!! omgsh I'm so embarrassed! I feel soooo bad!! :[
I hope she doesn't take it personal, I have to learn to watch my surroundings! :[

There's something outside your window...

I still think my best friend should have been sitting there in the place of that new drummer, but the song is so cool man. It's definitely a "lets dance on top of some furniture"
type song :]
Makes me very happy!

Click here for photo credit

How many times in your life do you get to openly talk like this?

Haha.  I love being young & pretty.
Gosh I sound like the illest jerk right now. lol

18 March, 2011

My keyboard, my cherry coke, & my best friend...

...basic elements for inspiration.

I'm very excited for today.  Basically this week has been marvelous, and splendid.
I love love love this year, so many good things are happening!
I want to go over seas to Japan, I want to help as much as I can ...
and spread the love <3

vinyls tomorrow #excited

16 March, 2011

I have an exposé to write;

but I can't seem to concentrate;

This is how I see life through my Oliver Peoples

Like this, and with the melody of Black Balloon from The Kills.
[at like 2:10]
Elevator straight into my skull
The escalator rises as it falls
I swear our chant is crashing in my mind
You can hold on but I wouldn't waste your time

Farewell my black balloon
Farewell my black balloon

I've stood in a thousand street scenes
Just around the corner from you
On the edge of a dream that you have
Has anybody ever told you it's not coming true

Farewell my black balloon
Farewell my black balloon, the weather had it's way with you
Farewell my black balloon, the weather had it's way with you
Farewell my black balloon

Looking into buying a instant camera.


Luxury French Antique Bed Set Victorian Style

French Style Bedrooms

I dream of a place like this -- (again, pretty narcissistic) but just to sit there and stare at myself --with different colors on my face.  A Victorian, French style vanity table.  I see this in my near future (or at least sometime this year).

Bullet Proof Heart:

I'm really starting to feel these words;
I want to say ... with every passing day -- the become more and more of a reality
Gravity don't mean too much to me
I'm who I've got to be
These pigs are after me, after you

Run away like it was yesterday
And we could run away
If we could run away,
Run away from here

I gotta bulletproof heart
You gotta hollow point smile
We had our run away scarves,
Got a photograph dream on the getaway mile.

Let's blow a hole in this town
And do our talking with the laser beam.
Coming out of this place
In a bullet's embrace
Then we'll do it again.

How can they say, Jenny won't you come back home?
'Cause everybody knows you don't
Ever wanna come back, let me be the one to save you.

I'm shooting out of this room
Because the sure don't like the company
You stop your preaching right there
Because I really don't care
And I'll do it again.

So get me outta my head.
'Cause it's getting quite cramped, you know.
Coming ready or not
When the motor gets hot
We can do it again.

The papers say, Johnny won't you come back home?
'Cause everybody knows you don't wanna give yourself up
Tell the truth and God will save you

And though I know how much you hate this
Are you gonna be the ones who save us
From the black and hopeless feeling
Will you meet 'em when the end comes reeling?

Hold your heart into this darkness
Will it ever be the light to shine you out
Or fall and leave you stranded
Or are you gonna be the one left standing?
You're gonna be the one left standing.
You're gonna be the one left standing.

-My Chemical Romance

My Childhood


Afternoon Stroll

14 March, 2011


Very excited, I actually finished the "home page" today -
I finally have something that I can look at --
My brother said he's going to improve it, but we'll see -- we'll see.

I'm just so super very excited to actually see it completed for the first time.


--This morning I was listening to the Smashing Pumpkins-
it's so funny how music can bring you back like that -
Then I found this photo of mine from like seven years ago, my how things have changed.

lol, what was I thinking?!?

13 March, 2011

I like taking pictures in the shadow

I wish I could spell my life out in writing.

Sometimes I feel like I don't write enough about things I should.
My brother, the person that I thought could solve all my problems, doesn't
want to work on my website.  Either he doesn't feel like it, or just doesn't want to --
it's something that he doesn't believe in -- so, he's just not going to do it.
Well, ok - I'm alone here ... completely alone.

I'm going to have to learn how to design a website and publish all the ideas and colors
that I've been collecting all these years.

I feel more alone than ever, more alone than actually being alone.
I sink into creation, because I have no way out of my creativity.

This situation is both a blessing, and a curse.

I don't know what's going to happen to everything now, but I'm going to do my best to make it work.


12 March, 2011

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Something a little different

This video, aside of being the weirdest music video, ever --
it's also symbolically speaking ... the song that caused a bonding that resulted in a beautiful friendship.
The Stillness really is the Move.

I stole this from a twitter --

It's not my photo --
but, sure wish  more of my friends looked like this.
Maybe they're waiting for me on the other side of the world .

10 March, 2011

Working on something pretty exciting!

I don't even know how I didn't think about it before.
Like it's so obvious it's scary haha.
Great ideas always hit me when I'm in the shower, or having cheetos & coca cola :]
... this time, it was the cheetos.  Lets see where this takes me.

AND ... on top of that, I get to improve my portfolio!

It's a win win situation.


One of my favorite videos of all time :]

I keep remembering and picking up the pieces you left behind.

WTF YO! ... like ... ....

Can I just let go please?? ... Like no, for real?? please??
One day, a long time ago, I never wanted to forget -- because the circumstances made me so happy.
Now, I wish I had never wished that, because that's all I want to do ... forget.
Typing with cold hands, with sleep in my eyes, and with a life time of new memories, I still miss you --
and that hurts me so much more than it does you.  Ugh, I'm such a sensitive bitchass :[

They say, it's better to have loved and lost, than to never to have loved at all ...
but ... is it?? ... is it really?? -_-*

aww, this song is so old <3

The Tape Song

Reminds me some, of what my home looked once upon a time:

Wallcoco Photography

Don't Call My Name

I'm really starting to wonder if anyone that's shared with me before would ever say "Yeah, I used to know her".  I'd like to know, if the path that I'm deciding to take today will lead me to a future that would make many of the people that I've encountered think about me and would somehow find out that I actually decided to break away and throw the stereotype in the garbage.  Not only those that decided I was useless to their lives and just decided that drugs, alcohol, their famous friends, and their fakeness were more important than me, but also my teachers, (specially my high school junior and senior year English teacher).  I don't think I've ever dedicated a blog to her -- and it's maybe because I didn't want to write up something that I lied to myself as unimportant.  Truth is, she might have marked me for life.  Her, "no, you're not better than anyone in this class" and making the competition so deliberately obvious so I would make it last.  And this is me, absolutely competitive to the end, and I felt this way, I wonder how other kids that weren't like me turned out in her class.  (I know I sound extra pompous in my posts when I talk about myself -- I'm really not a crackhead jerk in real life in case you were wondering).  But seriously, this teacher had favorites, now - I honestly wouldn't care if she did -- she could have as many favorites as she wanted, the thing is -- if you weren't her favorite you weren't her anything ... you were pretty much left in the back of the bus.  Everything I said or wrote was wrong or needed more input, and for senior year, when the vice principal did the paper work so I could go for AP English (her class) instead of honors English, this teacher wrote me an email telling me that this was a mistake.  I had already paid for the class (the 80$ for the AP test at the end of the year) and had all my papers signed (the paper work required from your parents).  HOW ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS WAS A MISTAKE?!? A mistake from whom? The vice principal right now?? Yours?? Mine?!?! give me a fucking break bitch, there was no mistake, you just didn't want to give me the same opportunity than the rest of your AP pricks :|
You know what, dear English teacher?? ... I can potentially become a greater person than you'll ever be, or even thought of being.  I don't want to say anything now, because much of my projects are mostly uncertain ... but I'll get there -- and I promise, I swear ... I'll never treat anyone the way you treated me ... and never attempt to murder anyone's passion for art an literature.  Good thing I was stronger than her limits, stronger than her selfishness, stronger than her ignorance, stronger than her.

08 March, 2011

The Things You Learn in Art History Class:


Sometimes you feel undefeatable, sometimes you feel like a Roman god.  But sometimes, sometimes its not the greatest thing to feel.  I feel like this, very often as a matter, not used to the common pains of trivial life - and then I get hit with life shedding situations that force me to hold my breath, and I feel like a Roman god no longer.

Rococo on the Walls of my Imagination

Unknown photographer, please take me into your dreams.

07 March, 2011

Is it strange that...

I probably said this before, and I probably sound like a broken record --
but today, once again -- I was walking the streets of this gorgeous city, and against the reflection of the display window, I fell in love with my perfectly sculpted legs. Narcissistic maybe, but they have to be the hottest legs I have ever come in contact with. Again today, I checked them out, I went to think up a compliment  for this person with these gorgeous legs -- only to realize they were my own.
I look at my photos and I see nothing but a child, or at least something that resembles a child, someone very very young, with a fresh face and a magenta smile ... what's gonna happen to me when I don't look like this anymore?

I wonder, really -- once I can't sing as pretty anymore, once I can't laugh as hard anymore, once I don't look as pretty, and once my beautiful legs begin to show signs of age and express varicose veins, will I get treated the same?
Will people be as nice, will boys try to learn Spanish to impress me?  Will random people wait for me to walk from the turnstile all the way to the front door just to hold it open?  Sometimes I wonder if things are really easier because of the way I look.


Iridescent and Opalescent Just Like My Life:

This morning with Scotch:

Looked something like this ^^

I have stories to tell - but I wont tell them -- ever.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

first two stanzas of The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe
first published 1845

05 March, 2011

Crazy Amounts of Potential:

Or at least I think so -

I still get very emotional looking at this:

Like, I wanna say - only a hand full of people that knew me,
knew that this was me -- I mean, now she's deformed into a hideous monster ...
but once upon of time, I was her -- in the form of an incompletely formed brain child,
but I was her nonetheless.

04 March, 2011

I guess I'll post the rest of them all together now ....

Believe it, ’tis true, the world lacks fantasy.                              
                                 Why is it so hard for so many people to step away from themselves and just live the moment.

I mean, it’s happened time and time again, where we get caught with everything else around us, that we lose ourselves in the mist of it all and actually believe we’re these people that the media has created.  It’s easier I believe.  It’s so much simpler to let television, the internet, the mainstream all together, etc. dictate what we are and what we should like.  No one likes just accepting that live is to be lived, and by “lived” I mean taken in one day at a time, not per facebook statuses.

Whatever, I can’t change the world (or maybe I just won’t).


I found this to be very beautiful----
and I’m not sure exactly why, but, especially the end.
I would absolutely love those pink frames.


I even have a special pen.
Lovely dreams, on clouds of cotton candy.
Together in Paris.

BROWSING: March 1, 2011
Ok, so it's after Poetry class, and I wanted to come to the nearest computer lab to get some studying done before my oceanography exam this afternoon.
In reality, I had about 4 days to study for this test, but I really can't seem to concentrate on a subject that I'm so new to, and that I'm completely fascinated by it's romanticism -
but not it's science.  Alright, so the Pacific Ocean is going to dry up in one hundred million years, and the Atlantic is the youngest Ocean - plate tectonics, erosions, and inside sea earthquakes,
fascinating.  That's as far as I'm going to get about knowing this material.
Before I further went on my studying quest, I decided to go on "my websites" as I always do before I actually study, only to realize -
I have completely deleted everything and none of my friends really exist on this present blog.  I checked the main page on here, and I saw something about "Graffiti and Garbage" some other art exposition, and
some other main page entries that I really don't seem to remember.  What caught my eye though - was an unscrupulous auction that completely broke my heart.
Recently, somewhere in Colorado an auction for alpacas took place.  Now, atop that this act is completely immoral and lacking compassion -
ALPACAS DO NOT BELONG HERE AND DESERVE AT LEAST THEIR NATURAL HABITAT TO EXIST.  In addition to this massive lack of common sense, the person that reported this (as far as I read because I really couldn't deal with the subject to thoroughly attend the subject at hand) was actually pro- this activity and photographed the little animals.  I don't not want credit for these - but I took them for evidence of what I'm talking about.

These little animals look like they're in need of some affection, and a bath.  The look sad, hungry, ungroomed and dirty.  Who puts these together? Like no really - who makes these events possible that thinks that's an actual good idea?  These alpacas should be roaming freely around their meadows with their care takers feeding them, giving them a home, and occasionally shaving them to make a few garments and sell the yarn for some extra money.  Why must everything always extensively be about money, and in a constant rat race of who gets the most of it?  Honestly, to me - this looks cruel and unusual while to others this is just like another walk in the park.


I wrote this one in late February also, nearing the month's last day -

I don’t know what it is about this band … but;
I’m always anxiously waiting what they’re going to do next.Ever since they started together, in the coaster that is life;
every single time –  they whisper life with iridescent magic powder.

I received this in late late February, I remember that :]

Cup cakes, even in letter form:

Some time ago, I decided to write letters to my friends instead of leaving brief comments on a cheap, commercialized social network.

I keep a special corner on the wall above my bed where I place all the things my friends send me, and have drawn for me, etc.  I received this one today, and not for anything – but I think it’s the prettiest letter I’ve received yet.

Before a few years ago, I never knew you could find your mind inside of another person’s mind.
Like we’re thought twins and joke twigs (that was madd corny, but I didn’t know what else to rhyme it to lol).


I don’t know if anyone else shares this feeling but…

by Scotch Corduroy
I feel like everything’s quiet now.
As  cliché as it may sound, it feels quiet like a few hours after the Titanic sank and almost everyone had died.
I know right, completely morbid.  Not my intention, however in a way, that is the feeling I’m trying to project.  To be honest, it’s been a while that I’ve actually kept a blog like this, like actually just blogging.  I’m so used to the convenience of Tumblr and Twitter just just write a line or two on how I feel and call it a day.  I really enjoy this though, because it gives me a chance to really get in touch with my day and “direct object” as a way to put it, of my thoughts.
Also, I feel like it helps me mature.  I know it sounds weird, but having somewhere else where I can reflect really helps me organize myself, and plan – I guess.
I’m going to practice a few songs on the keyboard this weekend.
I want to record some stuff with Andrew before I leave on my life time adventure.
It’s gonna be great.  This time frame now is going to be great.
And practice my German — hardcore practice that German!


This Entry was called: 11:11
I posted it some time ago - I don't remember when exactly <3
The current time, and all I do is whisper a wish to the wind.
I disappeared today, thinking that all I wanted to be was remembered - that was a total fail, because that's not what I want at all.  I had to disappear, you see -- everywhere I go, everything I see is just baggage from a past that doesn't produce anything.  All the things that connected me to this past, aren't me anymore - at all.  I've evolved and changed faster than a new born baby.  However, it did seem as slow as the creation of the Earth as we know it since the big bang (took me a while to realize, to accept) but I'm getting there.  Right now, I'm looking at something that I should have done a long time ago - getting out of this place.  No one knows it yet - and I don't know how I will approach anyone about it - about the fact that I might never come back.  All my life, all I knew was this place, New York City, the bright lights - the loud sounds - the eternal beauty of this city, that I have learned to dislike but never lose the love.  This is happening faster than anything I can remember, and never in a million years would I have guessed this would have been me.  I wanted change, and now I'm making it happen.  This is the first time in my life that as soon as I propose something to myself, it has happened faster than immediately.
I have absolutely no one I can share all this with.  Though, this is probably just my stupid fears talking, but I feel that the people that are right around me (friends & family) would either, not understand, or take this information as me showing off to them, which I'm absolutely not.  So I feel quite depressed and alone, for right now at least, but I know that will change in a short time.  Lets see, about four or so months before the end of my life as I know it - the end of this incredible need to just break free.
I carry with me heavy memories of what I've seen and what I've experienced.  Most of the time, (but must be because this is the way I lead my life) so many happy memories that make my heart heavy with emotion when I think about leaving this place.  But I've had enough.  I want to live my own life, start fresh, create my own mark, seek my own fortune.
I keep on having strange dreams, about trains and rats and fish.  They represent my fears, my "fish out of water-ness" and my path in life.  I have to come to terms with all this and accept once and for all that this is my reality.  This is me.
I'll carry it all with me in a tiny cigarette case.  My friends, my music, my writing, my "style", my wants and my needs -- my memories.  I'll write letters to them of course, I don't think I'd forget anyone who made my existence worth while - but that's as much as I'll bring with me - everything else, I leave in my will for the greatest city in the world.
I wanted to start a vlog, but again, I don't want to come off as presumptuous.  I wouldn't open a facebook either, for what? so people can watch me and silently judge me?  No thanks - I'll just keep this blog, for now at least.  I won't show it to anyone though - if anyone happens to find it great, but I won't say a word.  This is just for me to vent, to make the process of leaving a little easier (and so I can excersise my neurons without having to worry about being better or worst than anyone).
I just hope they never forget ...
I just want to live forever, I have the time.